Just the way I wanted to begin my weekend.

Well, due to an unfortunate run-in with the bathroom door as I blearily got dressed for work at 6 this morning, my shiny new glasses are now kind of wonky on one side. And scratched.(The scratch is teeny-tiny and out of my main field of vision, and totally unnoticeable, but STILL.)My main problem is the lens that doesn't want to stay completely in place. I went to have them readjusted, but the guy did a crappy job. My own adjustments were better, though it's still problematic. I'll have to have them try to fix it again, when I have the time or energy to go back. Which is not right now.Man, can't I just have ONE day that doesn't involve some kind of crisis of varying proportions?

Real Life: Cell phone annoyances

Okay, I've taken (bad) pictures, but they're going to have to wait till later as laziness and tiredness prevail.There is, however, an important point to this post, geared toward those few of you who also keep in contact with me in real life and via the cell phone.Today, my phone's screen decided to go blank and die on me. The phone itself is fine -- I can still make calls, receive calls, check my voicemail, all that -- I just can't see what I'm doing on the screen. Obviously that means I can't see any of the main menu, much less check missed calls or text messages. So, if you call me, and I don't answer, leave a voicemail -- otherwise, I won't know you called. And don't even bother trying to text me.I'm going to try to get this little issue resolved tomorrow, but I thought I would post a heads-up about it here just in case I'm unable to.ETA: Okay, so it would cost $90 to fix my $60 phone. I think not. I'm just going to have to deal with the blank screen for a bit, until I can replace the thing. Since I can still make and receive calls and check voicemail, it's functional enough for the time being -- just make sure to leave a voicemail and a callback number if I don't answer the phone.

On a more frivolous note...

...I have new glasses!And I would have pictures if not for the fact that I need to charge the batteries for the camera.Just take my word for it that they are awesome. They're quite different from what I usually go with (I've always been a fan of oval, wire-rimmed and unassuming, as evidenced by every icon of myself), but I really, really like the newer look. Whee!I also like being able to see perfectly again; my old prescription was starting to be noticeably different.

Ash Wednesday Thoughts

First, I want to thank all of you for your prayers and well-wishes. I know they've helped bolster me in the past few days. I'm feeling pretty okay now -- still full of concerns, of course -- but otherwise okay. I'm not falling apart, as I feared initially. It's a relief, and the mere fact of it makes me stronger and happier, even among the business and hurt and stress.It's Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. I drove home this morning from Houston after a good visit with my mom, so I didn't make it to Mass this morning; I work tonight, so I won't be able to make it this evening either. I've received my ashes in my heart, though, and I look ahead with joy at the liturgical season before me.Christians who do not observe the Lenten season often find it difficult to understand, I think. Why should we spend the period before Easter -- before that celebration of Christ's Resurrection and our salvation -- remembering how we are but ashes and dust? Knowing that we are fallen? Repenting for our sins? Giving up things? Fasting? Focusing on the Lord's suffering and death?The truth is that without death, without sorrow and repentance, without giving up things -- namely, ourselves -- to God, we have nothing. The Christian faith is built around the core belief that Jesus Christ died for our sins and rose again. If there was no passion and death, there would be no Resurrection. The celebration would not exist, nor would we be saved.So, too, is it with Lent and Easter. Does not the contrast make the eventual celebration all the more glorious? Does not the reminder that we need Christ's saving power make us rejoice even more when, on Easter, we are reminded that we have received it? We embrace this penitent and sober season knowing that there is boundless joy at the end of it. The Alleluia is gone now, but we know it will return, and we know it will taste sweeter on our lips when it is resurrected with the Lord.When we give up things for Lent, it's not about denying ourselves in the hopes that not eating chocolate for 40 days will make us better Christians. It is a symbolic act, a way of remembering that Christ gave up his life for us. When we give up something worldly, it's a tangible and frequent reminder of Christ's sacrifice and his continual presence, and hopefully reminds and encourages us to strengthen our trust in him.But the symbolism of giving up things isn't limited to abstaining from soda or candy, or TV, or the Internet. It is also about our behaviour to others and to God, our spiritual lives as well. For me, this year, it's about giving up my insecurities to Christ, giving up my fears. It's about giving up my desire to control everything. It's about giving up my doubts and letting his will be done.I'm going to work on devoting time to prayer every day, giving up the time that I usually spend goofing off in order to deepen my relationship with God. I'm also going to go to a daily (aside from Sunday) Mass at least once a week. Hopefully this won't just be a Lenten journey, but a habit that can continue into the Easter season and beyond.I have no ashes on my head, but I have them in my heart, and I accept them with the knowledge that God is with me, and will raise me from them.

when it rains, it pours

Last night, I had a severely angry customer who went crazy and laid into me.It was just the last straw and I couldn't take it, so I freaked out dramatically with the non-stop crying and all that fun stuff. I called Eddie in and went home early, because I just couldn't deal with it.Brandon and I aren't the only thing that's had trouble this week. At the same time that I was worried over that, my brother was running away from home for the second time in five days.We also learned that he and his friends are messing around with drugs. Marijuana right now -- but he's apparently expressed interest in acid.It absolutely churns my stomach that Hunter has fallen this far down. I mean, I knew he was depressed and that he was having a lot of emotional trouble, but I'd honestly thought he had enough sense to stay away from that path of escape.And my mother's been worried sick over both of us, and I've been worried about her, because I know she's already stretched thin as it is.I wish this sort of stuff didn't all have to come at once. If Brandon and I weren't taking time apart, I would have him as a support; if my family weren't dealing with larger problems, I'd have them as a support whilst I go through this with Brandon. But instead I feel guilty for being upset, and for putting my problems on anyone.I think it's time for another visit to the therapist, because it's hard to fight the feelings of being alone, and the feeling that it's my fault. I know none of that's true, but it's hard to get out of this way of thinking, and I need to. I am doing much better than last time though.Several people have been asking me whether I still intend to move to Houston even though Brandon and I aren't taking things so quickly and seriously anymore. The answer is yes, because he wasn't the only reason I was going back. I was going back to help my mother -- and now, my brother too -- and no matter how much I may whine and complain about them, I was looking forward to being close to my family again. Those are my main reasons, though without Brandon I might not have realised them. And now that I'm not looking at marriage anytime soon, I can look at my options there career-wise. There are people who I know or my mother knows, who can give me a foot in the door to magazine-type work, and that sort of thing.And if things work out with Brandon, then that'll just be the icing on the cake.Anyway, if you're religious, keep us in your prayers. I'm going to visit Mom again tomorrow and Tuesday, so hopefully that'll help.

musings on the complexities of relationships

Brandon and I are going through a difficult period. It all boils down to one thing:We've been taking everything too much, too fast.He says he doesn't want to break up, but he wants to back down from all the love and marriage talk that we've been doing, and give us more time. He says he's confused. That he needs to prioritize his life and get himself settled -- get out of school, start working, all that.Which is fine. Understandable.I reacted badly on the phone when he last talked to me on Wednesday night. It came up quite suddenly and it was late; I didn't know what to do or what to say. I was hit with an emotional battering ram and it really broke me apart.Now, however, I've had more time to think about it... and I know he's right. So much of me is still ridiculously insecure in relationships -- I've been pushing for all the seriousness and commitment because I thought that he wanted and needed it, and that I did too. I thought that if we had that, we'd both find safety and stability and that would be enough. In reality what has happened is we're drowning ourselves in our respective insecurities -- making them worse, even. I need to learn to feel confident and safe in this -- in just dating, in just being a girlfriend, in just being a friend -- before I can begin to think about being secure in a marriage.I think what we have together is real -- but neither of us is comfortable enough or ready enough to keep up this pace. We need to back up a little, slow down a little, and stop looking so far ahead.I wish I could tell him that he's right, that I just want to date him and be together and be happy and not worry about any more than that right now. But he said he needed a few days to think, so I've backed off and now I'm on tenterhooks. It's the waiting that hurts the most -- I don't know if I've already screwed everything up. I'm so afraid that I have. It tears me up inside.I do love him. I don't want to lose what we have -- I want to slow it down, and give it time to settle and grow -- but I don't want to lose it.Why do relationships have to be so difficult?